gphitman's Diaryland Diary
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Jesus and the Jew
The Jew is having Christmas this year, friends. Lookout, holiday season, here I come.
I am SO EXCITED. I have decided as I get out early today to have my staples out (YAY!) I am gonna shop on the way home for ornaments and such. I need to get a fake tree (after last year, I refuse to deal with real) and all the fun fixings.
Not a CLUE what I am supposed to spend or buy or how much is too much or how little is too little. I am gonna go crazy - I know it.
YAY!
2:41 pm - 12.01.05
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I could not be more bored... could I?
I was done with all the work I'd missed by noon. 3 days of work in 3 hours. Doesn't that tell anyone anything around here?
My brain is turning into moosh.
I feel like another day off might have been a smart idea. A day of not moving might have been wise. I feel sick to my stomach right now and there's really nothing I can do about it. Did I overdo it this weekend? I look back on it and I don't think I moved around in any way I wouldn't have just moved had I been home all weekend. I sat when I drived, when I got where I was going, I sat again. I sat a lot. My ass is growing.
Just one hour to go until freedom-time. What's on TV tonight? What do I want for dinner?
These are the big questions.
I can't wait for Thursday. AKA "Staple removal day." Hurrah!
Sam, start your blog. I need something good to read right now.
Go to the Norton Simon Museum if you've never been. It was fabulous. I enjoyed that a lot. Gorgeous garden, excellent gift shop. Naturally, I look for these things in a good museum.
Who wants to go to the Huntington?
4:52 pm - 11.28.05
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HOME
So that's over.
It was really nice to walk into the hospital on Monday morning and to be greeted by my whole family. It's so nice they all drove out.
The surgery, I am told, went really well and only lasted an hour. They were able to do it lathroscopically, with 4 little holes, and they never had to even consider cutting me open, and I will have very minimal scarring.
I remember waking up in recovery. I know I was moaning but I couldn't stop myself. And then groaning "it hurts, it hurts" over and over was all I knew how to say. But soon enough, I was in my room and on a healthy dose of demerol (GOOD SHIT).
I did have to stay over 2 niths instead of one because my white blood cell count didn't go down and that makes you open to all kinds of infections. But I had a big room to myself, lots of nice nurses, and my doctor stopped in when he could to cheer me up- he's hysterical.
The food was never bad- I ate better there than I do when I am home on my own since, sadly, I can't or won't cook. I had 100 channels to flip through and really, I gots to get me one of those electric beds. SO comfortable. I had no idea.
Thanks to all the friends who called, the ones who sent flowers, and to everyone who sent ahead e-cards and notes to wait for me when I got back.
A couple more days of waiting it out at mom and dad's and then back to normal life again. And I get my staples out next Thursday.
4:34 pm - 11.23.05
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Up Late
Good morning, readers...
It's 2:40 in the morning and I, as per my usual weekend routine as of late, cannot sleep. Two Vicodin and a heavy meal later, I am still trying.
So I've been half-watching the movie I put on, half meditating, and thinking, thinking, thinking. I feel bad, you knomw, because this upcoming procedure has me really.... well, terrified, and it's really nothing.
I was thinking about my brother's accident when he was 12. He was tackled in a game of touch football gone wrong, and on a concrete court, so his head really took a hit. The pediatrician said it was a mere concussion, but 24 hrs. later when my brother was still in blinding pain, my parents took him to the ER. They were told not only did he have a severe concussion, but his brain was slowly hemmoraging {sp?} and the blood was going to come out the crack in his skull. My brother was in the Pediatric ICU for 13 days. It was the first time I ever saw my father cry- my parents were, obviously and rightfully, not well and I remember I had to call everyone in the family to tell them what was going on. I was 14.
Evan, incidentally, in case you have not had the good fortune to meet him, was fine in the end, we all were elated, the only result being that he has no specific memories of his life before that accident. He is a big enough person to admit that things could have turned out a lot worse but it comes up in coversation every now and then I can see how much this pains him. Especially not being able to remember our grandmother that died shortly before that accident.
When I was in high school, my father had a stone in his throat the size of a golf ball. No one knew how it got there, but it was there, resting near a gland, wrapped in his nerves. They couldn't remove all of it without severe nerve damage and as it is, he still has a place on his neck where he can't feel anything.
My grandmother had a tumor in her abdomen. They found it earlier this year and first, it was not cancerous, then it was, then they had to do a biopsy to find out. Then they had to remove the tumor completely. Then it was just fine. No Cancer, just ache and depression to follow.
And people have survived a lot worse, I know.
I feel like an ass. I shouldn't be so scared for a routine procedure to fix something that is not pressumed to be that serious (I guess).
Also, I feel.... for lack of a better word (for an agnostic like me), blessed. Some of my friends have just been there for me in tremendous ways. Any show of friendship has meant a lot to me in the last couple weeks- whether people intended to be doing it or not. In the same regard, I admit I have been disappointed by the exact opposite- friends who can't seem to show a sign of... anything. But mostly, I find on nights like this, I think about an e-mail , a blog note, or a phone call that made me feel good and my insomnia isn't too, too terrible.
I'd intended to fall asleep to this movie and now it's almost over. I could recite it by heart but I know I won't fall asleep now until I see the credits roll.
Later, kids.
2:57 am - 11.20.05
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So sorry to keep on...
Am I bugging the shit out of anyone else other than myself?
I don't really know how to approach this subejct with people. "Hey... me? Oh, I'm fine... New? Well, I'm having a non-crtical organ removed on Monday..." I made my dad call the family-- actually he insisted on it anyway.
Anyway, not even what inspired me to bug you all for the 3rd time today...
Have u ever felt like a last resort? Have you ever tried to make plans with people and despite your subtle persistence, no one wants to pin anything down? Maybe that's just how things are now- everyone makes last minute plans, right? But some nagging thing in the back of my mind tells me what's really going on is no one really cares. It's just a waiting period to see what the best thing to come up is and then you choose-- your friend who needs you or the really hot and trendy club.
For example.
5:00 pm - 11.18.05
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I'm STONED
I went to my consult yesterday with my mother AND my father. And as much as I wanted someone along for the ride, I wish I'd just brought my teddy bear. In fact, at this point, I wish I'd just done all of this on my own and never involved my parents.
They exist only to make me INSANE.
The doctor decided he wanted me gall bladder out, like, yesterday. I know a lot of people would want to know about every part of the procedure, but I am scared, I am tired, and I am hesitant. I have no interest in hearing the gory details. If he wants my gall bladder, he can have it. Just knock me out and take it. If I know how, I'll freak out. I hear the words "injection," "needle," "blood," etc., I freak. What good is that gonna do anyone?
My father is determined to make this my fault. I did something earlier in my life to make this happen. I stay out too late, I don't take care of myself, I am a delinquent--- pick one. My mother has become the only buffer between us, a position I put her in and feel bad for, but I have, as of an hour ago, hung up on my father and told everyone that I have no desire to speak with him this weekend.
The truth is, the doctor said I did not make this happen. In someone as young as I am, it's practically s freak thing, combine that with being a woman over 20, taking estrogen (birth control), and having a history of stones and diabetes in my family, and there it is.
I'll be checking into Tarzana hospital at 7am on Monday morning, the surgery is set for 9:00. I should only have to stay one night there, but the doctor said 2 nights, maybe. I don't care. I get to be in bed, on fabulous painkillers, for 2 days. Sounds like a vacation to me. At least, that's what I'll be telling myself until I have to check into "Casa de mom and dad" (AKA THE CRAZY HOUSE) for the rest of the week.
TGIF.
10:55 am - 11.18.05
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The Three-Headed Monster
It never ceases to completely amaze me how many times my bosses prove just how little they know about anything. ANYTHING.
Communication between them is all but non-existant. When something needs to be done, I am asked for it three times and then some, when I've done it, I never know who to report to because when they split up who is in charge of what, those designations lasted about a week.
I am endlessly frustrated with these people.
It certainly doesn't help that I am in a royally foul mood right now. I can't even remember far back enough- was I this crabby this morning? What the hell happened that threw me into this funk? And the persistent annoyance of everyone here isn't helping.
The good news is I am leaving early for my surgical consultation. Not really something I am looking forward to with joy, but if it means I get to leave early, and then, get home with potentially enough time for a nap so that I can start my day over again before I head off to a midnight screening of Harry Potter, I say bring it the hell on.
My head hurts.
12:28 pm - 11.17.05
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FETCH, FIDO! FETCH!
HAHAHAHAHA!
9:44 am - 11.17.05
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The Loneliness is Palpable
Well, I guess I've found a roommate so thankfully, I have one less thing to worry about.
Would you believe Matt Federman was able to set my mind at ease about my credit card debt with just a few words of wisdom? I'm still gonna have to cut up a couple cards to prevent myself from using them, but I feel a smidge better. I think.
Last night, after I interviewed a couple potentials, I went to The Blue Room with the "extended family" to celebrate with Sarah. It was a pleasant and welcome surprise to see faces there I didn't expect but a disappointment that we seperated into two significant groups. I don't know why some people are so relucatant to make new friends and depend on quick judgements but so be it. Certainly not my choice to make. I'm sure I've been guilty of such behavior in my lifetime.
Hell, maybe they were just cold and wanted to sit inside. I could have it all wrong.
In addition to my fragile physical, mental and emotional state, I've been dedicating a lot of thought to my future. About how, incredibly, I find myself totally uncertain about it and totally unwilling to make any firm decisions. I've been more often depressed than not lately and desprate to be in the company of my friends and this has been an unsettling nuisance in the pit of my stomach I can't shake.
On a totally unrelated note? Grey's Anatomy is a GREAT show and I am so sorry I didn't watch season 1. LOVING season 2. Must check Amazon for DVDs...
10:50 am - 11.15.05
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